I found myself reflecting on my recent victories last night and making a bold, surprising, ridiculously awesome claim to my mother. I told her that it’s already beginning to happen. Days pass, occasionally in multiples, that I do not think of her.
Her who? My beloved Mumsies? Hahaha, no. I adore thinking of that particular brave, inspiring, beautiful, sparkling soul. The “Her” that I wish to banish from all of my thoughts I have mentioned before and is now a feature of my past. Nothing more.
It was that past however, and all other personal history combined, that made me who I am today. As such, it’s borderline impossible to put it too far aside. Up on a shelf, yes. But not the top one. Lower down, where I can dust it off and look at it from time to time.
Mum was both amazed and slightly incredulous, admitting that much longer periods had elapsed for her before she was able to cut toxic people from her daily thoughts as they had been excised from her daily life. She was also proud and excited for me. She reminded me of this further evidence of my successes.
“I never hear from you at work anymore!”
There are no more panicked, tear-stained phone calls as I reached out to the only person who could dependably talk me down from the mental ledges I used to work myself out onto in a regular basis.
In the first days after the transfer, that stole me from my super organized, ultra-productive backroom and placed me smack in the middle of a box strewn maelstrom that couldn’t even be safely navigated, I would call her three or four times a day. Wondering just what the hell I had gotten myself into and just how badly I had been manipulated and bemoaning the perilous state of my work space. And since it only took til day three for things to start to deteriorate with my boss, there were plenty of distress calls to be made.
Each day that I don’t think of her is a gift. Today will not be one of them, of course, as these words make plain. In fact, time has elapsed between this sentence and the last (pre-work versus post-work) and having started the day with Her on my mind definitely set the stage for an unstable day. A mid-morning disagreement with my hammer drill followed by what seems like my fortieth tutorial by one of my co-workers left me feeling pretty inept and thusly pretty bummed out on myself.
But, you know what? I got through it. With nobody else telling me things like “everything you are doing is wrong” and “why can’t you learn faster?”, I focused on the task at hand and taking deep regular breaths as I did it. Before I knew it I had completed the lifting head I was building and I no longer wanted to cry.
It’s bad enough when you’ve got your own voice in your head telling you that you’re not good enough. When you are surrounded by others that agree with the absurd, negative mental diatribe you feed yourself, it’s a recipe for disaster. Believe me. I’ve lived it. My new working environment is so far a cry from the redundant, immature drama I was exposed to on a daily basis and I absolutely love it there. I just don’t love my hammer drill!
Thanks for reading, beautiful people!